I am lonely not alone

A good friend of mine once told me “No Kyle you are not alone, just lonely...”

Typical me, I never believed her... 

But it was very true... I am lonely... I feel loneliness, but I share that loneliness with other people who are also lonely... 

Quite depressing I know, but there is a silver lining –Sergeant Pepper‘s lonely hearts club band is an AWESOME Beatles song!!!

Ok that wasn’t the point I wanted to make, the point is, no matter how alone we feel there are always people you can go to, turn to, speak to, hug, cry with and laugh with. It can be a friend of a friend whom you’ve come to know and love, it could be a neighbour, a smart bartender, your local comedic prostitute, a police officer, a counsellor, co-worker, etc the list goes on...

Loneliness is universal, it’s like a pain, EVERYONE has experienced it! Love, not everyone has experienced it, but pain, pain is a whole other ballgame everyone is very accustomed to. The levels of pain may differ, but it’s the one thing everyone has in common...

The same with pain, everyone at some point in their lives has felt lonely... a child, teen, adult, senior... loneliness is like a disease, it can’t be spread around, but it doesn’t discriminate...

I used to think that in my own home, ok technically my Mom and Dad’s house, I was alone. I wasn’t alone, I was just lonely... 

Like many young in the closet gays out there, I was too afraid to come out to my parents... Honestly I still haven’t come out to them... I never planned on coming out, and I don’t plan to either... the second I come out to my parents is the day I send out my wedding Invitations...

So far my mother knows about my orientation, not by me telling her, but by her snooping... Her reason for snooping was that Jesus was working through her, telling her to invade my privacy etc etc...

After that is a long story, right now, she refuses to accept my orientation and I refuse to bring it up in conversation... What she does do, when I’m in the presence of guests, she does tell everyone that I’m going to marry a Japanese women and give her “happy Jappie children” her words not mine... I’m quite obsessed with Japan and I do plan on moving there in the future, hence the Japanese wife part...

So far I’ve only come out to one relative, one of my most beloved cousins... He is my hero in many ways, he’s also a mega dork in more ways than a hero... But he is my best ally in the constant war that is my family... Having a father who has 9 siblings means there’s bound to some bitchin’ going on at some point... actually, always...

The first people I ever came out to were my college buddies, I consider them to be my closest and most trusted friends. It was through telling them, I had enough courage to get out of the closet to just about everyone outside my family... this is no secret, I don’t act any different in front of my friends than I do with my family, I just choose to not tell them, and they also choose to not ask me...

So what I know is that even though I feel lonely at home, or when I feel lonely at night in a bed alone, I know that when the sun rises and I return to work, I am no longer lonely, I have a support system, I have friends, I have books to dive into, games to finish, music to escape to, movies to dull my senses to and best of all I have my imagination... In my world, I can be anyone I want to be and most of the time, I don’t have a lover in my fantasies... if I do, I know the fantasy won’t last that long... I prefer having super powers or being a kick ass gunslinger saving the world from zombies  than baking a chocolate soufflé for a faceless boyfriend who will love me and have sex with me and will be intimate with me and will marry me and adopt children with me and will grow old with me... wow that’s a lot of “ands”...  

Anyway, I’m cool with being lonely... I’m finally accepting, it’s ok to be single, it’s ok to feel lonely, it’s human, It’s instinct, it’s life...

Lovelace out...

Just for you Crazeebee :)

Taylor Kinney...

Vampire Diaries - if you don't watch it, kill yourself - is just not the same without this delicious werewolf... sigh I hate Damon right now...


I decided to do this post for one of my blog crushes Crazeebee . He is just plain awesome :)

Writes good stuff too. Every time I visit his blog, I feel empowered and I somehow believe in myself a little bit more, so this is a tribute to him, a fellow Vampire Diary Enthusiast :)

Take a look at a few more Taylor Kinney Pics I found :)



Personally Michael Trevino is my fave :

He's more my age and I like his style :) Actually I just think its the glasses, the geeky look ignites sensations that should not be disclosed on sites open to the public... too bad he's straight and on a whole other continent... Oh well, to the next celeb crush...


Take a look at some more of CB's VD fav :)

The most beautiful man I've ever seen

Note: I don't have a picture of him... but trying real hard to take one LOLz!

I've been taking the 16.20pm bus from Cape Town to Richwood every day for the last two and a half years...

I know almost everyone on the bus... I know who the regulars are, the people who come on every now and then, the completely new people and the one timers (people whom I'll never see again)...

A few months ago, out of the middle of nowhere, this amazingly beautiful man hops on the bus... I know nothing about this man... all I know, is that he gets off at the last stop in Bothasig when taking the 16.20pm bus from Cape Town to Richwood or he gets off at the police station when taking the 16.30pm, 16.45pm or the 17.00pm  from Cape Town to Richwood buses...

I've never crushed on this guy, mainly because I knew nothing about him other than his exit times and his incredibly good looks... What I do know is that I don't see him on a regular basis... I suppose his working hours differ from day to day...

I can't even begin to describe this man... His looks are beyond divine, the kind of beauty that no fairy tale can explain... You can take all the fairy tale princes, put them all into one man and he will still be better looking...

The best thing about this mans beauty, is probably the fact that he doesn't know just how beautiful he really is...

Now, I know people have different tastes when it comes to looks, but there is no denying the looks about this man...

I'm not the kind of person who goes for looks, substance is what I need. A good friend told me this : "looks brings upon attraction but conversation brings love". I've never forgotten those words, not that I needed them in the first place... 

About three weeks ago I sat on the bus watching this man type on his blackberry... I studied his face, body, hands, posture, hair, I studied him like he was a piece of art, the most rare, exquisite piece of art procreation has ever created... everything on him, even the things that looked ugly like pimples, they only added beauty to him... the way his hair moved, the way his arm hairs curved, his deep dark eyes, dark hair, firm hands and gentle demeanour...

When you look at a man like him, you instantly get the feeling: he's out of my league...

And for the most part, he is, and here's why: you want someone like him to be with someone equally as beautiful as he is...

I don't know his sexual preference, but that doesn't deflect the fact that I like to look at him...

Just to tell that I am not half as shallow as this blog post makes me sound, a friend and I were discussing this bus guy whom we have dubbed "Jamie"... and my HUGE MASSIVE INCREDIBLE INSANE UNREQUITED LOVE for this other guy whom we know as "the view"... (whom I've written many poems about...) luckily my friend saw Jamie at the shop...  she and many other people are dying to know why I am so in love with "the view"... and in comparison, she thinks Jamie is way better looking and much neater looking than "the view"...

Well at least I can say I'm slowly getting over the view... But more importantly, I don't know if I will ever gather the courage to sit next to Jamie and say "Hi"...

Lovelace out...

I walk on

The beige envelope with invitation,

the start of my nightmare

All us friends we shall go

To the hill shall we go?

The hill of love,

for those with companion

The hill of life,

for those who can embrace

The hill of hell,

for those without pair

The hill of torture,

for those who cannot share

I reply: With great reluctance I shall tread,

this godforsaken land of dread

Treat me right or I’ll be gone

No more I to pity on.

Although with friends,

I stand alone

The friends with flesh,

Yet I, a bone

Left abandoned,

 I walk on

To see the valley

Of the far beyond

Up the hill I hike,

The cliff my journey’s end

Up this broken pigeon goes,

Ignored by all the beloved peacocks

I arrive at my destination

On the edge I can see

All that is, and all that won’t be

All that I see, is an ocean of me

My life a sea, my waves of grief

My tears crashing rapidly

My torrents of despair

And the tide of a broken soul

No fish swimming,

Not worth living

Everyone ignorant to my fate

Off the cliff the decision I make

I feel free, I feel free

Falling is my destiny

Although I see

My ocean of me

I’m glad to no longer be

My fate disrupted by a cat,

The cat whose always got my back

Just two seconds my end so near

Better feed you, Irene my dear

Awake I walk down the street

Just to find a kitty treat

I look left and all I see,

A handsome couple under a tree

I look right to ignore,

Yet I see a gun store

In there lies my fate

That .45 a tempting bait

I won’t accept that ugly fact

‘cause there’s no one to look after precious my cat

I smile, I walk

I ignore

I walk on, I walk on

I walk on, I walk on

Lovelace out...