Marina and the diamonds - Obessesions

I'm still on my Marina and the Diamonds buzz and I just have to say, buying that album was totally worth it.

Here's a track that I like a lot. There's a part in the song that reminds me of the "normal" things couples usually land up doing... sure going out for a romantic time at a lake side restaurant is awesome, but lets get honest... you're not going to do that EVERY night... right???

Well, you're likely to do the usual stuff, like going to the supermarket, deciding on what to cook for supper, choosing a new set of crockery, etc that's normal couple stuff... that's the defining moments that sets the tone for a relationship (mind you, my ignorance is probably showing up now... well can you blame me??? The only relationships I've ever had were with books... I know more straight guys who've had sex than I have... and I'm gay)... granted, having a surprise gourmet supper is awesome, but that's not love (well it's more like pseudo-love), it's more like "appreciation"... The real ;ove is when you see your partner come home from work stressed (and even though you are too) you offer to do the cooking and wash the dishes afterwards... - am I wrong???

Here's the part in the song that reminds me so much of an average moment in any relationship:

Supermarket, oh what packet of crackers to pick?
They're all the same,
one brand, one name,
But really they're not
Look, look just choose something quick
People are staring, time to come quick in
Skin is on fire; just choose something, something, something.
Pressure overwhelming
Next minute I am turning out of the door
facing one week without food
A day, a day, when things, things are pretty bad
Don't let it make you feel sad, 
The crackers were probably bad luck anyway





Mr Lovelace out... :-)

A hug for a friend

These are tough times, and a friend of mine is having a really shitty day... so I think what I need to do is cheer her up a little...

A little hug can go a long way
especially on a really kak day
It's not like I won't hug you anyway
But I'll make it a little more special today

You're so special, like an umbrella
Whenever I'm sad and under the weather
You're always there
Ready to share

Today is just day my friend
Just realise it's one of many
I'm here so you can depend
Just remember I don't like "fanny"

I know its scary
worse than expired dairy
Don't be afraid my little koi
You still have me and Roy Roy

Mr Love lace out :-)

I’m not bitter, just single…

So a friend just asked me the one thing that every single person dreads the most: “how’s the love life?”

As you all know, I am luckless in the land of romance, love, lust, etc etc etc… I have tried, and tried and tried… nothing ever materialises (stupid auto correct made me retype ‘materialises’ three times…) and I usually land up sitting on the side lines like a shadow or worse, invisible – like always…

I don't know what it is... Is it me? my personality? Physique?

Many people have told me that I’ll find love when I least expect it, and that my Mr right just hasn’t found me yet, I but often think to myself, was your first love your Mr right? If not, why should I wait for Mr right, can’t I have a few Mr wrongs in the mean time, like you???

I get that I come across as desperate, but that’s only because it’s the only thing that I’ve ever really wanted for as long as I can remember… I also have a habit of over analyzing everything, and people say I shouldn’t do that, but it’s not a trait that can easily be discarded. It isn’t something that you can deny yourself either… I can’t, not analyze something even for a little bit, because if I said I wouldn’t, I’d be lying to myself…

I also understand that I’m not entitled to have a boyfriend, but I can’t help wondering if maybe the universe is preventing me from having a boyfriend because of the one incident I had (the day I lost my V-card). Should I apologise??? Do I need to??? Why should I have to if I do in fact have to apologise???

When I had my near death experience shortly after I jumped out of a train, for a few good weeks, finding love was the last thing on my list… then I finally got a shiny glimmer of hope, but I’m sure that light has faded and moved to someone else (whether or not I have over analyzed it I have no idea). And while that is totally fine, I mean, shouldn’t everyone find love??? And who am I to prevent it… that would selfish of me. Fly like a bird, fly till the sky is no more and fly some more J. I often wonder when will the glimmer stay, if ever???

I suppose for now I should concentrate on healing my leg, but I can’t keep ignoring the whole in my soul.

I just remembered something pertinent to the blog: the world's smallest violin... Hahaha

Mr love Lace out…

Blood Diamond Friends

This morning I was sitting on the bus thinking about all the momentary best friends I've had in my life...

They come and go, and it's sad because I can think of three whose names I can't  recall... oh how time affects the memory... yet although I cannot remember who they once were, that doesn't mean I've forgotten what they meant to me... Sitting outside work, gossiping about our bitch for a floor manager or challenging each other on a swing at the local park... Tranforming (or vandalising) "Hetties Tuck Shop" into "Hetties Fuck Shop"...

I feel like one of those people who are forced to dig for diamonds in Northern Africa. I finally find a diamond and three seconds later the diamond is taken away from me, never to be seen again...

My friends mean everything to me... they always have... I've never had any romantic relations with anyone so I had to give the love I had to someone... so I gave it to friends... and I still do... That's why I'm the friend you can call at 3am to help you bury a dead body... :)

I don't really have much to say, but to all the friends I've lost to time, distance, drugs, the grim reaper etc... I miss you and even though I might not remember you name, it's your aura and being that I remember ever so well...

Mr Love lace out...

Shake, Rattle and Crutch roll

Last week Friday I attended a good friend’s 21^st birthday... Her mother asked me to write something for her the day before... very last minute, but you know, I’m starting to like this “spontaneous” time in life...

I will admit standing up there, with zero alcohol in me and next to no blood in my caffeine stream, I shook like a leaf in the wind... Freaking shaking like Parkinson’s sufferer...

But I made my speech and it was a hit with everyone... (Yay)

So I thought it would be nice for me to post the speech, so that you can read it and, more importantly, as an ode to the Birthday Girl.

 Princess Minnie’s 21^st speech

Good evening everybody, Mr and Mrs _____ and of course our favourite little lady, Princess Minnie.

I was asked yesterday morning to write a speech for you on your 21^st. I gladly accepted the challenge of writing a five day late birthday speech, however, I never anticipated how difficult it would be. 

I sat for hours thinking about what to say. No really I did. After a while I declared I had writers block.

So I thought to myself, What Would Princess Minnie do? I thought about it for about 3 seconds and realised that it was a bad idea. You’d probably leave it till the next day.

So I decided to seek help from a higher power. I thought, what would Lady Gaga do? Then I realised she’d rock up wearing a 21^st birthday cake and sing for you. Unfortunately I can’t sing and I don’t ever plan on wearing an edible outfit.

So eventually I done what any half-normal person would do. I went on google. Did you know that if you google “good 21^st birthday speeches” you’ll get 657,000 results. I sat there stunned, because I knew not one of those speeches was good enough for you.

They wouldn’t have the heart, soul, humour and embarrassment that is needed for a good 21^st speech.

They wouldn’t express what a stunning smile you have, nor the infectious happiness you constantly carry. I will never forget that smile of yours, and thinking about it, will always put a smile on my face.

It will never contain the courage you have by standing in front of a camera while a massive crowd of people are walking towards you shouting the words : S-L-U-T is that what you think of me?

It won’t contain how bipolar you get after eating your daily supply of kiwi fruit, nor will it contain your magical ability to outwit all the nit twits in our class.

It wouldn’t say that inside that tiny frame of yours lies an Amazonian Warrior Princess that can outrun everyone to the nearest hot chocolate seller.

It wouldn’t have the picture of you meticulously peeling off the pastry off the pastry of a samoosa instead of eating it like a normal person. But then again that’s why we all love you.

 It wouldn’t contain how much all of us care for you, and all of us being here tonight proves that.

Today I thought of the perfect speech ever. It’s short and sweet, packs a punch and it can be tweeted.

So here’s my speech: YOU’RE FREAKIN AWESOME PRINCESS MINNIE! HAPPY 21^ST BIRTHDAY.

Mr Love lace out...

Gay and Single...Forever?

Gay and Single...Forever is the title of the book that I'm reading at the moment...

Very interesting read...

I ordered the book months ago on Kalahari, but never bothered to read it properly, and now that I'm back to using the trains every morning, I decided it to read again... Only this time a lot better...

First of all, the book is very easily relatible, but at the same time not relatible at all...

The book is about the author's search of couplehood or the real meaning behind it... Steven Bereznai is the author... and he's a bladdy good one at that...


Steven Bereznai - a very goodlooking man in his early thirties and he is still single... what hope is there for the rest of us... sigh sigh sigh

He dives into his past sexcapades, failed romances and his variety of "fuck buddies and tricks..." In all honesty I found a huge sense of relief while reading the book... It almost feels like Bereznai is my gay-fairy-godfather... Everytime I read the book, I begin to understand a little bit more about what it's like to be in a relationship (a gay one...) and when it's like to not be in a relationship...

There many parts in the book, to which I have zero understanding off, e.g. his usage of drugs - which I detest - his very active sex life (which is exponentially more active than that of mine...) and his great array of queer friends (compared to my three bromo's)...

But over all the book is great and just finished with it...(again but with a lot more detail) I recomend it to anybody, gay or straight... It deals with a lot of other stuff, like the hierachy of love i.e. if you are single, you're at the bottom of the food chain... It dives into what really makes people tick - on the love front anyway... and it gives the gay Bridget Jones singletons like yours truely, a shit load of perspective...

God bless Steven Bereznai...

Here are just two of the MANY quotes that stood out to me:

1) "In this world a lot of emphasis is put on being "good enough" that someone might actually want to date you. In fact there's so much pressure there are at times when it's hard to remember that singlehood is not failurehood."

2) "It has been said that a gay person does not have a true friend until he comes out, for only then does he let his true self be seen."

Brilliant stuff...

I hope to meet him one day...

Mr Love Lace out... :)

My new muse

I was sitting in the lounge watching Gordon Ramsey cooking and was contemplating whether or not I should do my homework or sit and write a new blog J guess which one won... Yeah yeah I know, I should iron out my priorities, but I’m just getting my creative juices going... I can’t run on an uninspired brain you know!!!

And that is where my blog thought of the day comes in... I didn’t notice till today that I haven’t written anything great for the past month and a half... Some of the blog posts I’ve made, like “I’m lonely not alone” are stuff I wrote months ago, but felt it was the wrong time to post them... and I have to admit, the recap blog of mine, was terrible... ouch, even a reader complained in the comment section... and let’s not even touch the poetry side... Urgh it’s totally horrible...

So I came to the conclusion that I’ve run out of muse juice and I figured out how to get more of it!!!

I need to fall in love with someone... Fast... or at least get really depressed... For some reason, many writers, not just me, write better with a negative thought pattern... Is that why Sylvia Plath committed suicide??? (mental note to self: don’t commit suicide even to achieve greatness like Sylvia Plath)... Forced depression to write better... hmmm I think I might be on to something here... sort of like Munchausen’s...

Anyhoo... I realised I wrote better when I was having unrequited love affairs with people... I got over “the View” about three months ago and ran out of muse juice about a month and half ago, so I’d say, it takes about a month and a half to completely lose all muse power after the break-up... 

Well back to the headline... I think I found a new muse... He’s our IT go-to-guy at HELL AKA Cape Peninsula University of Technology... Let’s call him “E”, hahaha or rather sex-E (you know “sexy” because he’s you know sexy... fine I’ll let you decide what you want me to call him... just add a comment below. Your choices are “E” or “sex-E”)

Like I said, he is very good looking, a little absent minded, but we’ve only been introduced last week... don’t worry guys, I won’t stalk him... ok maybe I’ll invite him on facebook and twitter and BBM (when I get a BB)... That is so not stalking OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t judge me!!! Oh and he is straight... bummer... typical me... I was told the media industry that queers roamed the offices... let me tell you something... Lesbians roam the offices, not gay men... there were only four out gays (men) on the floor I worked on... one of them left and the others still works there... (oh and I didn’t include myself) but, get this... all of them are way too old for me... two of them are like 40+ and only the one is single... Fuck me swinging... but on the fourth floor, TONS of gays, but ZERO are interested in me... (read this part as fast you can... I was typing so fast I felt a mental/emotional breakdown coming...) WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?!? I’ll tell you why because they are fairly decent looking, and came out of long term relationships with their very good looking ex-boyfriends and now they are running around with their good looks and awesome personalities, flaunting their “I’m happy being single” statuses, while people like me are secretly falling in suicidal love for these oblivious people and when we finally take a chance and go up to that person and ask them out for coffee or dinner or a movie, they blow us off with the “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now, but it’d be cool to be friends” line and then two days later they are in a relationship with another good looking guy with abs of steel and a smile that can melt cheese... and this guy will most likely break his heart in a year or so, by cheating on him with another guy, with porn star good looks and fabulous dress code, instead of saying “Yes, I’ll have coffee with you” to the slightly pudgy, awkwardly dressed, shy, perfect boyfriend material a year ago... a guy who will treasure his boyfriend like the all the art pieces in the Louvre, all the pizza recipes in Italy and will have more love for him than the fucking Christian society for fuck sake!!! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, looks trumps everything!!! And don’t even get me fuckin’ started with guys who ask you out on a date and then decide to not show up... I think I should just dig a massive hole, throw in some wood, set the wood on fire and jump into the fire... I’m pretty fuckin’ sure it’s less painful than rejection...

Mr love lace out...

I am lonely not alone

A good friend of mine once told me “No Kyle you are not alone, just lonely...”

Typical me, I never believed her... 

But it was very true... I am lonely... I feel loneliness, but I share that loneliness with other people who are also lonely... 

Quite depressing I know, but there is a silver lining –Sergeant Pepper‘s lonely hearts club band is an AWESOME Beatles song!!!

Ok that wasn’t the point I wanted to make, the point is, no matter how alone we feel there are always people you can go to, turn to, speak to, hug, cry with and laugh with. It can be a friend of a friend whom you’ve come to know and love, it could be a neighbour, a smart bartender, your local comedic prostitute, a police officer, a counsellor, co-worker, etc the list goes on...

Loneliness is universal, it’s like a pain, EVERYONE has experienced it! Love, not everyone has experienced it, but pain, pain is a whole other ballgame everyone is very accustomed to. The levels of pain may differ, but it’s the one thing everyone has in common...

The same with pain, everyone at some point in their lives has felt lonely... a child, teen, adult, senior... loneliness is like a disease, it can’t be spread around, but it doesn’t discriminate...

I used to think that in my own home, ok technically my Mom and Dad’s house, I was alone. I wasn’t alone, I was just lonely... 

Like many young in the closet gays out there, I was too afraid to come out to my parents... Honestly I still haven’t come out to them... I never planned on coming out, and I don’t plan to either... the second I come out to my parents is the day I send out my wedding Invitations...

So far my mother knows about my orientation, not by me telling her, but by her snooping... Her reason for snooping was that Jesus was working through her, telling her to invade my privacy etc etc...

After that is a long story, right now, she refuses to accept my orientation and I refuse to bring it up in conversation... What she does do, when I’m in the presence of guests, she does tell everyone that I’m going to marry a Japanese women and give her “happy Jappie children” her words not mine... I’m quite obsessed with Japan and I do plan on moving there in the future, hence the Japanese wife part...

So far I’ve only come out to one relative, one of my most beloved cousins... He is my hero in many ways, he’s also a mega dork in more ways than a hero... But he is my best ally in the constant war that is my family... Having a father who has 9 siblings means there’s bound to some bitchin’ going on at some point... actually, always...

The first people I ever came out to were my college buddies, I consider them to be my closest and most trusted friends. It was through telling them, I had enough courage to get out of the closet to just about everyone outside my family... this is no secret, I don’t act any different in front of my friends than I do with my family, I just choose to not tell them, and they also choose to not ask me...

So what I know is that even though I feel lonely at home, or when I feel lonely at night in a bed alone, I know that when the sun rises and I return to work, I am no longer lonely, I have a support system, I have friends, I have books to dive into, games to finish, music to escape to, movies to dull my senses to and best of all I have my imagination... In my world, I can be anyone I want to be and most of the time, I don’t have a lover in my fantasies... if I do, I know the fantasy won’t last that long... I prefer having super powers or being a kick ass gunslinger saving the world from zombies  than baking a chocolate soufflé for a faceless boyfriend who will love me and have sex with me and will be intimate with me and will marry me and adopt children with me and will grow old with me... wow that’s a lot of “ands”...  

Anyway, I’m cool with being lonely... I’m finally accepting, it’s ok to be single, it’s ok to feel lonely, it’s human, It’s instinct, it’s life...

Lovelace out...

I need a boyfriend I can lean on

Ok first of all, I meant that in the most literal sense you can think of... I literally need a boyfriend > fiance > husband I can lean on physically... No no no, not in a sexual way... ok yes, also in a sexual way, no not in that sexual way, I'm a bottom not a top... (note to me: make more sense when writing...) ANYWAY what I'm trying to say is (urgh) -now how do I put this in words...

I like to lean on things... No, I'm not lazy to stand, I just like to lean on things... well when I'm standing, not sitting... I lean on chairs, which drives 20something gal CRAZY!!! (oh and I am friends with her BTW :) cool gal, follow her ;) ) I lean on tables, walls, cars, my friends, the fridge, etc, I am a leaner...

So today when 20 and I went to go get lunch, we waited an ass long time in line waiting for our order... Okay random fact I should have mentioned in the blog earlier, I can't stand still, not for one second, which is why I like to lean, I stand still and stop fidgeting when I am leaning on something... So while we are waiting, I'm pacing up and down and fidgeting... I have little to ZERO patience... and I am looking for a place where I can lean comfortably... no luck and the person I can lean on comfortably is 20something gal. One problem, she can definitely not support my body...

So while waiting in that long ass line, I realised that I need a boyfriend > fiance > husband who I can lean on, to keep me from pacing up and down and fidgeting... Maybe I should go to Scandinavia and find me a Nordic lover I can lean on... -lust filled grin-

Mr Lovelace out...

Three words... is all it took...

So for those of you who think my life and my blog is exciting - thank you, thank you - you must have read my previous blog entry with the line "Breaking news: I just got asked out on a date......". Well here's my date in a nutshell...

You guessed it, I got stood up... My very first actual date and I got stood up... How nice is that??? To start of my dating life with rejection... It really really hurt... I always sympathised when I saw the "stood up" scenes in the movies, but now, I empathise...

I felt like Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed here's the scene:



Well I have been thrown with an egg before(and firecrackers, stones and sticks [go figure], a condom, water balloons, rugby ball, soccer ball, cricket ball -that fuckin hurt- a glass bottle (or cup can't remember), paper shit - yes, actual shit - mouldy bread, a teacher once threw me with a MASSIVE set of keys, a wooden plank and a glass plate... ), so I can empathise with this clip anyways...

Here's a email I sent to a friend about the date (or lack there of) and my emotions afterwards...:

Hey ______!!

Long story short, we planned to meet up on sat… we never decided on a time, he was just going to let me know… so I sent him a sms about 11.30 asking him what time he was going to pick me up… the second I sent him the sms, he was suddenly “on his way” from Town to fetch me at Total in Richwood… I thought the timing of him leaving and me sending the message was a little too suspicious… so like 15 minutes later he said he arrived at the total … and I replied that I was running a little late, because he never told me what time he was going to pick me up… BTW its IMPOSSIBLE to go from town to Richwood in 15 minutes, with or without the traffic… then I arrived at the total and I sent him a message asking him where he was and then like 5 minutes later he sent me “Can’t do this”… so I sent him a sms “Oh ok, why not?” and I haven’t heard from him since…

Now I know what his intentions were, all he wanted to do, was hook up and have his gay fuck fantasy… and I am not that cheap to have sex on the first day, I've learnt from past mistakes...I doubt he was even at Total… maybe he saw me and thought I looked too gay to be caught around with, whatever it was I don’t care, as far as I’m concerned, he’s the one with the problem, not me… I couldn’t care less… admittedly, I was a bit upset and hurt, but most of all I was angry… I was angry because I shaved, I was angry because I got all excited, I was angry because I had lie to my family, I was angry because I wasted airtime, I was angry because I felt like a disposable rag, I was angry because I had to get up early and get ready, I was angry because I had to iron clothes on a Saturday morning and I never iron my clothes on Saturday, only Sunday nights, I was angry because I couldn’t go back home after he stood me up, I was angry because I wasted an entire Saturday, the only day that I can have that’s peaceful, I was angry because I was going to buy my friend a nice birthday gift while we were supposed to be on our date, but most of all I was angry at myself for being so angry over something that shouldn’t have made me so angry… I was angry for about 15 minutes and then I went to my friends house to hide for a while before having to go home and then lie to my parents and sister again about going out with friends to Canal Walk… I had to lie and say I wasn’t hungry because I had “already ate at Canal walk” when the truth is I was starving because I never ate the whole day, I got home at 4… I swear, if I never had that 15 minutes to cool off, I probably would have killed someone… and I’m not joking… cold blooded murder… I was outraged… 

So three measly words is all it took to not only ruin my day or at least part of it, but to totally screw up my first date EVER... I wasn't devastated at least, which shows emotional growth... I never let it get to me, which for me is like reaching a milestone in my wildly chaotic emotional life... If those three words "Cant do this" or being left standing at a petrol garage looking like a fool can upset me so badly and I've grown to the point where I can just dust it off, what would've happened if I was still the emotional wreck I was six months ago??? Honestly, I would have thought it was me... I would have thought I was the one who fucked up , that it was my fault he didn't want to go out with me...me me me, all my fault... I would've probably hurt myself, or punished myself... even though it wasn't my fault... 

If you've ever stood up on a date before, shame on you, you have no idea how it feels... especially if that person has insecurities, both physical and emotional maybe even neurological... and if you've been stood up before, I feel you :) and to those of you who will enter the group of "I've been stood up", I'm so sorry you had to join... but its alright, we are not alone and we are better off without the fucker...

Mr love lace out...

Animation station...

I'm a huge fan of animation always have been and always will be... take a look at some of the video clips I've come across and the pictures that called to me :)

I liked this one mainly because, I see a lot of myself in this little girl... at times I really can't stand my parents, but then there times when I would sacrifice myself to protect them...



This video almost made me cry... this is beautiful and sad...



And this one is just perfect :)



Picture time :)
I really like this picture... It's so tender, and warm and loving... I know this is tom of finland... I'm not a complete idiot... but I just happened to come across this picture while reading someones blog ... a harmless one ...

Well I am practically Emo minus the Emo-ness... 

 Fortune cookies are my favourite :) I have one one on my PC monitor at work. It says: tomorrow doesn't exist yet, live now. A work friend gave me the fortune cookie... so nice of her.. :)

I LOVE TURTLES!!! THEY ARE SO CUTE AND LOVE-ABLE AND CUTE AND HUGGABLE AND I WANT ONE AND LOVE THEM AND JUST LOVE THEM OK!!! WHEN I GET A TURTLE I'M GOING TO NAME HIM NATHANIEL!!!!

This chick>> << is practically me in a nutshell....

I LOVE DUCKS LIKE I LOVE TURTLES!!! OMW EVERYTIME I SEE A DUCK I JUST WANT TO FEED IT, HUG IT, PET IT, TAKE IT HOME WITH ME... WHEN I ADOPT A DUCK I'M GOING TO NAME IT EITHER AGATHA (IF FEMALE) OR DOUGGIE (IF MALE)

I think pigs are a highly underrated farm animal...

I just fell in love with this picture... its gorgeous!!!

Music for the ages...

This is just a list of my favourite (and next my least favourite musical instruments) these are in no particular order.

Please know that the only instrument I can play, is someone's nerves...

My Fav's

The violin

If I could pick out one violinist, it would be Vanessa Mae... I remember hearing the violin for the first time. The first real pure violin song I'd ever heard was Vanessa Mae's Storm... I fell in love... When I listen to the violin I feel like the energizer bunny... uber super happy :D

Please excuse the music video, its highly retarded...




The piano

I used to take lessons, but then the lessons became a little too expensive, so I never really got to learn much... But I've always wanted to learn it... The piano to me is my cry time music... if I'm ever truely and deeply sad I'll be listening to piano music and 9/10 time's my eyes will water... This is a piece that captivates me every time I hear it... I am sitting at my desk absolutely breathless... (there is one thing that I hate about this video clip though... this amazing pianist, is wearing flip-flops, I have this relentless, bitter, violent hatred for flip-flops... flip flops is an even bigger red flag than drugs... I can tolerate drugs more than I can flip flops.... I FUCKING HATE FLIP FLOPS !!! AAAHHHH  DEATH TO ALL FLIP FLOP -FUCK...)



The Bass Guitar

I love the sound of the bass guitar, I kinda think that, I'm like the physical embodiment of a bass guitar... Never the centre of a attention, someone who's there, but kinda invisible yet people will know if I'm not there... and never really the one everyone screams at, I mean, I don't know the names of any bass guitarists to be honest, but the bass guitar plays such a vital component to any form of music... I think it's the underdog of the musical instrument world... and there's a hidden kind of sexiness to it... Here the bass guitar gives me courage... whenever I have to go up on stage, to say a speech, poem, oral etc I have the bass play over in my head... and sometimes, that courage turns to sexiness... I Love this clip for three reasons other than the bass sounds so awesome, 1) the guy is beautiful 2) his fingers remind me of a dancing tarantula and 3) its a Final Fantasy VII cover song...



The Harp

If there is instrument I really want to learn, it's the harp... I love the music it produces... the serenity, the calm, the love, the peace, the list goes on... The power of the music created by the harp, for me is more powerful than the power of a nuclear bomb... only, its doesn't bring about destruction... I don't have a specific harp song that I like to listen to, I love all harp music... I feel most at peace when listening to harp music also I think there's a certain level of healing when someone plays it... I suppose, when I learn to play the harp, I'll to cancer centres over SA playing the harp while people get their doses of Chemo... maybe even people on dialysis... if I could play one song this is it...



Mr Love lace out...

My Wedding speech

I kinda wrote this last night...

I have no idea how this got in my head, because I wasn't even thinking of my pretend wedding... but if I were to get married, this would be my speech at the reception... (I know the groom doesn't say speeches, just the vows, but the I haven't met Mr right yet so how can I make vows???)

My wedding speech

We’ve had this debate before haven’t we (insert husband’s name)

I say “I love you”, you say “I love you more”, I say “Not nearly as much as I love you”, you say “you’re in DEE-NIAL, cuz I mean, I just, I love you more!”, I say “Bullshit, that’s impossible, cuz I love you more”... the clichéd, corny, ‘I love you more’ debate can go on and on until one of us decides to shut the other up with a long, slow, mouthy, tonguey, eyes closed, hands in hair, surroundings blurred kiss so powerful that if it were anymore powerful it could end war, famine, poverty, HIV, ignorance, self-hate and end all pain...

But today I stand before you, telling you, I...love...you...

I love you today, tomorrow, the next day, maybe not the whole of next week Wednesday or the day we have the inevitable crockery throwing fight, but I love you... after the fight, once the hate comes out all that’s left is love and that love is forever bound to you...

I love you more than pooh bear loves honey

I love you more than a sunflower loves the sun

My love for you is as unbreakable as a mountain made of diamond and titanium...

My love for you reaches further than ends of the universe...

I will love you in this life and I shall seek you out in the next life and love you then, and in the life after that... My love for you will transcend life itself...

And once all life and existence is gone, my love for you will transcend the very confides of existence and being...

But most of all I will love you as passionately, as if it is my last hour with you, forever until the big bang unbangs itself and rebangs itself because I refused to stop loving you...and because you refused to stop loving me...

Mr love lace out...

Who am I really angery at?

This is as blunt as I am going to get.

I have no idea who I am really pissed off at; me or society...

Say what you want, but looks are everything. No one will look at an average looking guy with a little bit of a weight problem, when mr hotstuff with his six pack and uber massive invisible "I'm horny" sign above his head...

Now, I'm not saying all good looking guys are think with their dick heads, but have you ever seen a guy with a great physique go out with a guy who doesn't have one?

I understand that there are many gay guys, who happen to be attractive, have great personalities and go out with other guys with just as equal great personalities, but they also happen to be hot...

Now we get the average looking guys, like me... Still have a little bit of a pimple problem, weight won't seem to go away, but I have myself to blame, as I refuse to work out or play any form of sport...

What I can say is that I am highly cultured and well-read, fantastic cook, baker, very creative, spontaneous, green thumb, wine enthusiast, open minded, more caring than the next person (ask anyone who knows me), nicest person you'll ever meet, but I won't be given a chance because I have a little too much belly flab...

Ok wait I drove off the point here, getting back to "Now we get the average looking guys..." these guys also ONLY look at the hot guys... Ok I do to, but seriously I've been rejected by not-so-good lookling, average-looking "sweet" guys, and hot guys... basically all the types of guys... Why??? Is it because I'm "cute" and not sexy, is it because I have an invisible sign that says "Desperate" above my head??? Or am I still single and seriously pissed at myself for admitting that I label people, good looking, average and below average...

If love is supposed to be blind, then when did it get cornea transplant???

Or karma being a bitch to me because I refused to give that beggar a R5...

Like, the scars in the mirror

Like, the scars in the mirror

Two reflections,

blinded by distance,

the same yet not identical.

 Two souls,

Damaged by an enemy,

both the same yet not identical

One soul tortured by strangers,

the second tortured by blood

Both abused, inside and out,

tears, blood, semen and saliva

Screaming, shouting, aching and paining

15 year’s , 17 year’s

Reflections broken

Both bodies scarred

Souls shattered like an hourglass

Forever irreversible like the phallus carved on 15’s head,

like the engraving “faggot” from shoulder to shoulder

like the whip scars on his back and bottoms,

ascending from the bottom left to top right

Forever irreversible like the self inflicted cuts on 17’s arms,

like the emotional scars of kin’s denial and for punishment,

like the hot oil burn mark on his back,

Descending from top left to bottom right

15 year’s now 30 and 17 year’s now 32

Escaped somehow, alone but alive

Seeking adhesive to repair the broken shards of soul

To repair the mirror, the hourglass, the heart, the soul

At a gathering they arrive,

The two reflections meet,

The same but not identical,

Sharing their secrets,

mirror fixed

Time and time together,

Hourglass fixed

Topless they share each scar

Side by side 32 to 30

The scars line up,

A heart revealed,

The heart fixed

Together united,

A soul fixed

Affirmations

Last week I got this book about affirmations... I immediately shot through the book...

By nature, I'm a very pessimistic person, ironically, I'm a very happy, bubbly person too... but usually never optimistic... especially when it comes to love...

If you've read some of my older stuff you have noticed, I've never been in love before... and its the one thing I want and wish for, every living moment of my life...

The advice many people have given me is:

1) Find what you like and find out more about yourself... well I know what I like... so does that mean I should get a boyfriend sometime between now and in 5 minutes?

2) Stop looking for love and don't expect love... HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO GIVE EVERYTHING THEY OWN AWAY FOR IT??? Have you no shame???

3) Go out and meet people: I agree with this one, the problem is, most gays at clubs, only want to hook up. besides I hate clubbing and bar hopping that's not me... (note the first point) so should I not be me to find a partner???

Anyways getting back to the original topic, I went through the affirmations book learning more about positive thinking and having a positive attitude. About loving myself and the people around me... I can't say that I don't love myself, but I definitely say that I don't hate myself like I used to... I'm beginning to take some responsibility for my own self hatred... I kept school bullies and the endless pranks people played at my expense...

I'm also trying to get out of the hateful ways I have towards people who don't appreciate their lovers... I used to think they didn't deserve them and that Karma or fate or cupid even God made a mistake in giving them love and left someone like me, (someone who would appreciate love) lonely no matter how hard I prayed to find someone to love...

I often think God is punishing me... I still do to be honest... either that or he's expecting me to magically turn straight and fall in love with a woman...

So I've been writing and saying affirmations since last week, and still praying to God...

The affirmation I've been using all day is this:

I deserve love and I get it in abundance.

I've already written it 100 times which is far more than the required amount I might add... but the more you write it, the stronger it will be...

I truly believe that this will help me find love... I just need to keep on believing in both the affirmations and that God really isn't trying to emotionally traumatise me into heterosexuality...

Mr. Lovelace out...

I walk on

The beige envelope with invitation,

the start of my nightmare

All us friends we shall go

To the hill shall we go?

The hill of love,

for those with companion

The hill of life,

for those who can embrace

The hill of hell,

for those without pair

The hill of torture,

for those who cannot share

I reply: With great reluctance I shall tread,

this godforsaken land of dread

Treat me right or I’ll be gone

No more I to pity on.

Although with friends,

I stand alone

The friends with flesh,

Yet I, a bone

Left abandoned,

 I walk on

To see the valley

Of the far beyond

Up the hill I hike,

The cliff my journey’s end

Up this broken pigeon goes,

Ignored by all the beloved peacocks

I arrive at my destination

On the edge I can see

All that is, and all that won’t be

All that I see, is an ocean of me

My life a sea, my waves of grief

My tears crashing rapidly

My torrents of despair

And the tide of a broken soul

No fish swimming,

Not worth living

Everyone ignorant to my fate

Off the cliff the decision I make

I feel free, I feel free

Falling is my destiny

Although I see

My ocean of me

I’m glad to no longer be

My fate disrupted by a cat,

The cat whose always got my back

Just two seconds my end so near

Better feed you, Irene my dear

Awake I walk down the street

Just to find a kitty treat

I look left and all I see,

A handsome couple under a tree

I look right to ignore,

Yet I see a gun store

In there lies my fate

That .45 a tempting bait

I won’t accept that ugly fact

‘cause there’s no one to look after precious my cat

I smile, I walk

I ignore

I walk on, I walk on

I walk on, I walk on

Lovelace out...

Soft as sheets

The days are dark, 

the moon is eclipsed

The sun is unhappy,

and the dawn is colourless

The dense fog,

is cleared by the pale sunlight

and reveals a mountain with its valley

In the valley of vast nothingness,

lies a derelict house

Shades of red make the house,

with its ventricles and atria of rooms

In its heart room filled with warmth,

sits a bed with soft ivory sheets

Pillows of crisp hues of cream

and a blanket, the colour of light

In the bed lies a body

a body in an eternal slumber

Pale as its sheets, pillows and blankets

still as the valley, lifeless as the sun and moon

A knock left unanswered,

a stranger has arrived

The door unlocked,

a stranger enters

The heart room left vulnerable,

the stranger comes near

Drawn to the warmth,

the stranger creeps

Closer and closer,

the stranger is invited

Filled with colour and emotion,

the stranger lifts the blanket

Closer and closer,

the stranger leans in

His hand on bodies hand,

his breath on bodies flesh,

his warmth on bodies soul,

his love in bodies heart.

His kiss on lips,

injects life rejuvenation.

Opened eyes and loves first breath,

body is whole,

house is a home,

valley is filled,

days are light,

moon is revealed,

sun is elated,

and dawn is complete...

Mr Lovelace out...

Willow Tree

Willow tree, oh Willow tree

How much I love the

Willow tree oh Willow tree

Be so glad you cannot hear my bad poetry

I love your big appearance

I love your great resplendence

I love your serene grace

I even love the way you dance motionless

The gentle ocean of leaves,

and the small glimmers of light through your hair

They give me great protection,

from sol's evil glare,

Fully knowing its just fake,

I don't really care,

It still makes me feel so great

Even though I know its a mistake

Your bushy style makes me weak,

right at the heart and knees

My pulse rises, my chest closes,

when I see your view

Oh dear Willow tree when will it come true,

When will I find the one I crave for,

The one who's name I wish to carve for you,

The name eternally bound to you

I crave your smile,

I crave your hair,

I crave your green eyes

and your stare

Oh dear oh dear, dear Willow tree

Your view out there, so true so true

The one I crave for

Is you...