Affirmations

Last week I got this book about affirmations... I immediately shot through the book...

By nature, I'm a very pessimistic person, ironically, I'm a very happy, bubbly person too... but usually never optimistic... especially when it comes to love...

If you've read some of my older stuff you have noticed, I've never been in love before... and its the one thing I want and wish for, every living moment of my life...

The advice many people have given me is:

1) Find what you like and find out more about yourself... well I know what I like... so does that mean I should get a boyfriend sometime between now and in 5 minutes?

2) Stop looking for love and don't expect love... HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO GIVE EVERYTHING THEY OWN AWAY FOR IT??? Have you no shame???

3) Go out and meet people: I agree with this one, the problem is, most gays at clubs, only want to hook up. besides I hate clubbing and bar hopping that's not me... (note the first point) so should I not be me to find a partner???

Anyways getting back to the original topic, I went through the affirmations book learning more about positive thinking and having a positive attitude. About loving myself and the people around me... I can't say that I don't love myself, but I definitely say that I don't hate myself like I used to... I'm beginning to take some responsibility for my own self hatred... I kept school bullies and the endless pranks people played at my expense...

I'm also trying to get out of the hateful ways I have towards people who don't appreciate their lovers... I used to think they didn't deserve them and that Karma or fate or cupid even God made a mistake in giving them love and left someone like me, (someone who would appreciate love) lonely no matter how hard I prayed to find someone to love...

I often think God is punishing me... I still do to be honest... either that or he's expecting me to magically turn straight and fall in love with a woman...

So I've been writing and saying affirmations since last week, and still praying to God...

The affirmation I've been using all day is this:

I deserve love and I get it in abundance.

I've already written it 100 times which is far more than the required amount I might add... but the more you write it, the stronger it will be...

I truly believe that this will help me find love... I just need to keep on believing in both the affirmations and that God really isn't trying to emotionally traumatise me into heterosexuality...

Mr. Lovelace out...

The most beautiful man I've ever seen

Note: I don't have a picture of him... but trying real hard to take one LOLz!

I've been taking the 16.20pm bus from Cape Town to Richwood every day for the last two and a half years...

I know almost everyone on the bus... I know who the regulars are, the people who come on every now and then, the completely new people and the one timers (people whom I'll never see again)...

A few months ago, out of the middle of nowhere, this amazingly beautiful man hops on the bus... I know nothing about this man... all I know, is that he gets off at the last stop in Bothasig when taking the 16.20pm bus from Cape Town to Richwood or he gets off at the police station when taking the 16.30pm, 16.45pm or the 17.00pm  from Cape Town to Richwood buses...

I've never crushed on this guy, mainly because I knew nothing about him other than his exit times and his incredibly good looks... What I do know is that I don't see him on a regular basis... I suppose his working hours differ from day to day...

I can't even begin to describe this man... His looks are beyond divine, the kind of beauty that no fairy tale can explain... You can take all the fairy tale princes, put them all into one man and he will still be better looking...

The best thing about this mans beauty, is probably the fact that he doesn't know just how beautiful he really is...

Now, I know people have different tastes when it comes to looks, but there is no denying the looks about this man...

I'm not the kind of person who goes for looks, substance is what I need. A good friend told me this : "looks brings upon attraction but conversation brings love". I've never forgotten those words, not that I needed them in the first place... 

About three weeks ago I sat on the bus watching this man type on his blackberry... I studied his face, body, hands, posture, hair, I studied him like he was a piece of art, the most rare, exquisite piece of art procreation has ever created... everything on him, even the things that looked ugly like pimples, they only added beauty to him... the way his hair moved, the way his arm hairs curved, his deep dark eyes, dark hair, firm hands and gentle demeanour...

When you look at a man like him, you instantly get the feeling: he's out of my league...

And for the most part, he is, and here's why: you want someone like him to be with someone equally as beautiful as he is...

I don't know his sexual preference, but that doesn't deflect the fact that I like to look at him...

Just to tell that I am not half as shallow as this blog post makes me sound, a friend and I were discussing this bus guy whom we have dubbed "Jamie"... and my HUGE MASSIVE INCREDIBLE INSANE UNREQUITED LOVE for this other guy whom we know as "the view"... (whom I've written many poems about...) luckily my friend saw Jamie at the shop...  she and many other people are dying to know why I am so in love with "the view"... and in comparison, she thinks Jamie is way better looking and much neater looking than "the view"...

Well at least I can say I'm slowly getting over the view... But more importantly, I don't know if I will ever gather the courage to sit next to Jamie and say "Hi"...

Lovelace out...

I walk on

The beige envelope with invitation,

the start of my nightmare

All us friends we shall go

To the hill shall we go?

The hill of love,

for those with companion

The hill of life,

for those who can embrace

The hill of hell,

for those without pair

The hill of torture,

for those who cannot share

I reply: With great reluctance I shall tread,

this godforsaken land of dread

Treat me right or I’ll be gone

No more I to pity on.

Although with friends,

I stand alone

The friends with flesh,

Yet I, a bone

Left abandoned,

 I walk on

To see the valley

Of the far beyond

Up the hill I hike,

The cliff my journey’s end

Up this broken pigeon goes,

Ignored by all the beloved peacocks

I arrive at my destination

On the edge I can see

All that is, and all that won’t be

All that I see, is an ocean of me

My life a sea, my waves of grief

My tears crashing rapidly

My torrents of despair

And the tide of a broken soul

No fish swimming,

Not worth living

Everyone ignorant to my fate

Off the cliff the decision I make

I feel free, I feel free

Falling is my destiny

Although I see

My ocean of me

I’m glad to no longer be

My fate disrupted by a cat,

The cat whose always got my back

Just two seconds my end so near

Better feed you, Irene my dear

Awake I walk down the street

Just to find a kitty treat

I look left and all I see,

A handsome couple under a tree

I look right to ignore,

Yet I see a gun store

In there lies my fate

That .45 a tempting bait

I won’t accept that ugly fact

‘cause there’s no one to look after precious my cat

I smile, I walk

I ignore

I walk on, I walk on

I walk on, I walk on

Lovelace out...

Never Been Kissed

This is probably the most honest and personal blog I’ve ever written. I’m not writing this as an autobiography, to induce sympathy, nor am I writing this with the hopes of you, the reader, finding a happy ending. If you do learn something from this, then please comment at the bottom. 

Never Been Kissed

I am currently 2.1 decades old (that’s 21 years old for the mathematically challenged) and I can assure you I’ve never truly been kissed before. I will admit that the headline is technically incorrect as I have been kissed on two separate occasions by two separate individuals. However I hardly believe them to be real kisses... here they are:

1)      My first “kiss” was when I was 20... It happened a few days before Christmas 2009. I had recently been broken up with my “2-week-fling-boyfriend” (whom I fell deeply in love with). However as much as he wanted to be with me, he decided he wanted to go back to his ex-girlfriend. He reassured me that he loved me yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah... Well I was furious... I mean seriously pissed off. In an attempt at revenge, I (blinded by rage and vengeance) decided to meet up with guy I’d met online. He was older than I, and the conversation was nice (online and upon meeting him). However I went immediately to him with the sole purpose of losing my virginity. The reason I decided to do this was that I planned to lose my virginity the night my “2-week-fling-boyfriend”. And he knew it... However this didn’t exactly go as planned... I lost my virginity that day. On the way home I realised what I’d done. I’ve thrown away my most prized possession.

2)      The second time, was far less dramatic... it was my 21^st I made out with a girl (ok for like three seconds...)... Just to put your thoughts to rest, I am in fact gay... I will admit, I was 1) lonely 2) severely drunk and 3) she is my fag-hag...

Yes, those are the only two occasions I’ve ever been kissed before...  I’ve only ever had two (I don’t even know what to call them because they weren’t a) flings b) relationships or c) potential future relationships... –but lets go with relationships) relationships. Both of them occurred while I was 20... both lasted two weeks each and both ended the same way... dumped for the ex-girlfriend... The closest romantic actions I done with them was hold hands and the occasional peck... I tried real hard to get actual kiss, I mean seriously, is it too much to ask???

 I’ve never experienced love before. Infatuation, lust and unrequited love, now of that, I am an expert. The one wish I’ve had, the same wish I wish whenever I get those horrid viral emails claiming my wish will come to fruition in a matter of days, depending on how many individuals I send it to, is the same wish, as birthday wishes, Christmas wishes, New Years wishes, etc –I wish to be in a mutual loving relationship with my lifelong partner (whoever he may be...). 

Well wishing never got me anywhere... neither did meeting people at bars (rejected), online dating (rejected), Clubs (rejection on multiple occasions, on unfathomable heights above sea level...), friends(rejection, which came with harsh words...), Varsity(both ejected and rejected)... the list goes on... 

As I’m told, I am not an unattractive person... Quite handsome actually, however, I fail to see that “handsomeness” I hear from people. It could be as a result of the years of emotional turmoil at the hands of my school peers... I understand that High school is the bane of any gay person’s life, be they out of or in the closet. But I can reassure you my entire school career was the bane of my life and are far more brutal than you can imagine. Even thought I was considered to be the nicest person by my classmates and most respected by the faculty and fellow students alike, however that never stopped the bullying, name calling, death threats, pranks, isolation and constant “demotivation”. 

Beaten, battered and bruised (quite literally) I woke up every morning going back into the place I considered one of the inner circles of hell. Dante’s inferno to the max... here’s an old blog about one of the pranks and some of the things I went through and my emotions at the time: I never likes the social scene in High school. I never knew who I could trust in high school. The people who I’d considered my friends, often neglected me, and have on many occasions rejected me, and joined the mockery people provided me with on a 8:00am – 15:15pm/ Monday to Friday basis. My only allies where the educators, who were, how can I say this kindly... –they were useless ... yes that was indeed a kind way of saying it. They had no control over the students. These students who are now 21 year old single mothers to 3 year olds with the classmate father MIA... No matter how lonely and rejected I am, at least I can say I have class...

Suffice to say, I have little to no self-esteem and confidence. On the upside, I have a lot more respect for myself now, knowing the things that I’ve accomplished... 

I come from humble beginnings and pride wasn’t a luxury I was accustomed to. The only aspects of my life I’ve been truly proud of (aside from my hardworking parents who tried their best to give me a better life than they had) were my school books. Always neat, always complete, always sought after by my classmates and always wanted by my educators when the school year was over. I was never academically the brightest person... I’ve never had straight A’s but I done my best. I never let the fact that I went to a seriously “prison-like institution for future fuck-ups” school to get to me on an educational level. I tried my hardest and with that will power, I got into CPUT and studied further. I was also determined to pay my own fees, so I sacrificed two years worth of weekends, getting paid next to nothing, just so that I could pay my travelling and my tuition fees. It’s through that alone, that I now, have respect for myself.

I figured that, now that I was at tertiary level, finding romance would be easier, but I was wrong. Romance had obviously eluded me in the poverty stricken, prostitute laden, trash filled, gang infested streets of a “Fag-hating” community that I grew up in. FYI I was also born into a closely knit “fag-hating” family... which is why my four cousins and I have yet to come out to the family... another FML moment and another circle of hell...

I remember going to bed with tear filled eyes for many years, constantly praying to a god that supposedly rejects who I am as a person. Were my prayers and tears wasted? Was I naive?  Was I not doing enough? Was I ugly? Was I repulsive? Was I meant to be unloved, untouched and unwanted my whole life??? Was I destined to be alone and single till my dying day? My answers at the time were all yes... It was the way I felt, the way I believed it to be right... That’s when the suicidal thoughts took over... 

The lack of love from another (other than that of family) was affecting my person. I wanted to die. I remember thinking, I’d rather die now than wait for my inevitable death with the status: single. And so I did... well I failed of course... even the Grim Reaper rejected me... Well maybe it wasn’t his fault... I realised the stupidity of what I was doing while I was doing it... I didn’t get very far... only swallowed like three pills before the epiphany kicked in. (Epiphany has unfortunately been forgotten...)

My current nemesis is Facebook... I seriously hate the people who constantly post moan’s and groan’s, infinite bitching and endless ungratefulness about their partners. “EH MY GAWD, why must I be here watching the stupid rugby with my bf when we could be out doing something”- like seriously... shut the fuck up please... at least you have a bf who is willing to love you even after reading your selfish status update... and then I see these: “OMW I’m so glad I broke up with him, now I get someone who deserves me.” –First of all, I know you, you born again gold-digger bitch, you didn’t deserve him! Why? 1) you cheated on him with a hotter looking egomaniac, you shallow twat 2) you complained because he forgot your three month anniversary 2.1) oh and THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A THREE MONTH ANNIVESARY FOR FUCKENDALES SAKE!!! 3) you wanted him to cater to your every need like a slave on a short leash... If I had him as bf, I wouldn’t even treat him like the art enthusiasts treat the Mona lisa, I’d treat him like curator of the entire Louvre. 

And then there are these status’... these are the ones that really upset me... “Men are like credit cards...” you can finish the quote, I know you’ve read it before... Those really piss me off three ways to Sunday... Why? Because two days later they want a boyfriend... Do yourself a favour and jump off a pretty cliff with a pair of heels...  The feelings are mutual when I see a guy being applauded  for being a player... I’d claw his eyes out, but then how would he look at himself in the mirror when he realises he’d screwed up the perfect chance to be with the perfect girl, when he decided to “do” the neighbourhood slut, oh sorry I believe the politically correct term is prostitute...

So for me, a person who hasn’t felt love’s embrace, even in the form of a romanticised kiss, I am envious, even though I hate them... Why do they, undeserving people, get to enjoy love at such a young age (starting from their school days), when I, a person given the title of most nice, kind, fantastic baker, funny, kind-hearted, loveable and caring etc etc etc (quote unquote from other people...) has not once experienced anything they have. 

I don’t want to be single, but I cannot force someone to love me, so I bitterly accept my singleton status. Ever slightly envious of people who recollect their past relationships and of how they go from one relationship to another, were as I cannot even find a date to begin with.

My struggles as a singleton carries on... I hate it but there’s nothing I can do about it... I’ve tried and tried and tried... I’ve followed the advice of many people “go out and meet people” (rejected, but am friends with them). Then after that haul of failures, my advisors changed their bullshit advice to “Don’t expect love. That’s when love finds you”. Well I’m waiting... in vain. 

For now, all I have to on with is the hope that someone somewhere someday will see me and not reject me.

Yours truly

Mr. Lovelace...