This is probably the most honest and personal blog I’ve ever written. I’m not writing this as an autobiography, to induce sympathy, nor am I writing this with the hopes of you, the reader, finding a happy ending. If you do learn something from this, then please comment at the bottom.
Never Been Kissed
I am currently 2.1 decades old (that’s 21 years old for the mathematically challenged) and I can assure you I’ve never truly been kissed before. I will admit that the headline is technically incorrect as I have been kissed on two separate occasions by two separate individuals. However I hardly believe them to be real kisses... here they are:
1) My first “kiss” was when I was 20... It happened a few days before Christmas 2009. I had recently been broken up with my “2-week-fling-boyfriend” (whom I fell deeply in love with). However as much as he wanted to be with me, he decided he wanted to go back to his ex-girlfriend. He reassured me that he loved me yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah... Well I was furious... I mean seriously pissed off. In an attempt at revenge, I (blinded by rage and vengeance) decided to meet up with guy I’d met online. He was older than I, and the conversation was nice (online and upon meeting him). However I went immediately to him with the sole purpose of losing my virginity. The reason I decided to do this was that I planned to lose my virginity the night my “2-week-fling-boyfriend”. And he knew it... However this didn’t exactly go as planned... I lost my virginity that day. On the way home I realised what I’d done. I’ve thrown away my most prized possession.
2) The second time, was far less dramatic... it was my 21st I made out with a girl (ok for like three seconds...)... Just to put your thoughts to rest, I am in fact gay... I will admit, I was 1) lonely 2) severely drunk and 3) she is my fag-hag...
Yes, those are the only two occasions I’ve ever been kissed before... I’ve only ever had two (I don’t even know what to call them because they weren’t a) flings b) relationships or c) potential future relationships... –but lets go with relationships) relationships. Both of them occurred while I was 20... both lasted two weeks each and both ended the same way... dumped for the ex-girlfriend... The closest romantic actions I done with them was hold hands and the occasional peck... I tried real hard to get actual kiss, I mean seriously, is it too much to ask???
I’ve never experienced love before. Infatuation, lust and unrequited love, now of that, I am an expert. The one wish I’ve had, the same wish I wish whenever I get those horrid viral emails claiming my wish will come to fruition in a matter of days, depending on how many individuals I send it to, is the same wish, as birthday wishes, Christmas wishes, New Years wishes, etc –I wish to be in a mutual loving relationship with my lifelong partner (whoever he may be...).
Well wishing never got me anywhere... neither did meeting people at bars (rejected), online dating (rejected), Clubs (rejection on multiple occasions, on unfathomable heights above sea level...), friends(rejection, which came with harsh words...), Varsity(both ejected and rejected)... the list goes on...
As I’m told, I am not an unattractive person... Quite handsome actually, however, I fail to see that “handsomeness” I hear from people. It could be as a result of the years of emotional turmoil at the hands of my school peers... I understand that High school is the bane of any gay person’s life, be they out of or in the closet. But I can reassure you my entire school career was the bane of my life and are far more brutal than you can imagine. Even thought I was considered to be the nicest person by my classmates and most respected by the faculty and fellow students alike, however that never stopped the bullying, name calling, death threats, pranks, isolation and constant “demotivation”.
Beaten, battered and bruised (quite literally) I woke up every morning going back into the place I considered one of the inner circles of hell. Dante’s inferno to the max... here’s an old blog about one of the pranks and some of the things I went through and my emotions at the time: I never likes the social scene in High school. I never knew who I could trust in high school. The people who I’d considered my friends, often neglected me, and have on many occasions rejected me, and joined the mockery people provided me with on a 8:00am – 15:15pm/ Monday to Friday basis. My only allies where the educators, who were, how can I say this kindly... –they were useless ... yes that was indeed a kind way of saying it. They had no control over the students. These students who are now 21 year old single mothers to 3 year olds with the classmate father MIA... No matter how lonely and rejected I am, at least I can say I have class...
Suffice to say, I have little to no self-esteem and confidence. On the upside, I have a lot more respect for myself now, knowing the things that I’ve accomplished...
I come from humble beginnings and pride wasn’t a luxury I was accustomed to. The only aspects of my life I’ve been truly proud of (aside from my hardworking parents who tried their best to give me a better life than they had) were my school books. Always neat, always complete, always sought after by my classmates and always wanted by my educators when the school year was over. I was never academically the brightest person... I’ve never had straight A’s but I done my best. I never let the fact that I went to a seriously “prison-like institution for future fuck-ups” school to get to me on an educational level. I tried my hardest and with that will power, I got into CPUT and studied further. I was also determined to pay my own fees, so I sacrificed two years worth of weekends, getting paid next to nothing, just so that I could pay my travelling and my tuition fees. It’s through that alone, that I now, have respect for myself.
I figured that, now that I was at tertiary level, finding romance would be easier, but I was wrong. Romance had obviously eluded me in the poverty stricken, prostitute laden, trash filled, gang infested streets of a “Fag-hating” community that I grew up in. FYI I was also born into a closely knit “fag-hating” family... which is why my four cousins and I have yet to come out to the family... another FML moment and another circle of hell...
I remember going to bed with tear filled eyes for many years, constantly praying to a god that supposedly rejects who I am as a person. Were my prayers and tears wasted? Was I naive? Was I not doing enough? Was I ugly? Was I repulsive? Was I meant to be unloved, untouched and unwanted my whole life??? Was I destined to be alone and single till my dying day? My answers at the time were all yes... It was the way I felt, the way I believed it to be right... That’s when the suicidal thoughts took over...
The lack of love from another (other than that of family) was affecting my person. I wanted to die. I remember thinking, I’d rather die now than wait for my inevitable death with the status: single. And so I did... well I failed of course... even the Grim Reaper rejected me... Well maybe it wasn’t his fault... I realised the stupidity of what I was doing while I was doing it... I didn’t get very far... only swallowed like three pills before the epiphany kicked in. (Epiphany has unfortunately been forgotten...)
My current nemesis is Facebook... I seriously hate the people who constantly post moan’s and groan’s, infinite bitching and endless ungratefulness about their partners. “EH MY GAWD, why must I be here watching the stupid rugby with my bf when we could be out doing something”- like seriously... shut the fuck up please... at least you have a bf who is willing to love you even after reading your selfish status update... and then I see these: “OMW I’m so glad I broke up with him, now I get someone who deserves me.” –First of all, I know you, you born again gold-digger bitch, you didn’t deserve him! Why? 1) you cheated on him with a hotter looking egomaniac, you shallow twat 2) you complained because he forgot your three month anniversary 2.1) oh and THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A THREE MONTH ANNIVESARY FOR FUCKENDALES SAKE!!! 3) you wanted him to cater to your every need like a slave on a short leash... If I had him as bf, I wouldn’t even treat him like the art enthusiasts treat the Mona lisa, I’d treat him like curator of the entire Louvre.
And then there are these status’... these are the ones that really upset me... “Men are like credit cards...” you can finish the quote, I know you’ve read it before... Those really piss me off three ways to Sunday... Why? Because two days later they want a boyfriend... Do yourself a favour and jump off a pretty cliff with a pair of heels... The feelings are mutual when I see a guy being applauded for being a player... I’d claw his eyes out, but then how would he look at himself in the mirror when he realises he’d screwed up the perfect chance to be with the perfect girl, when he decided to “do” the neighbourhood slut, oh sorry I believe the politically correct term is prostitute...
So for me, a person who hasn’t felt love’s embrace, even in the form of a romanticised kiss, I am envious, even though I hate them... Why do they, undeserving people, get to enjoy love at such a young age (starting from their school days), when I, a person given the title of most nice, kind, fantastic baker, funny, kind-hearted, loveable and caring etc etc etc (quote unquote from other people...) has not once experienced anything they have.
I don’t want to be single, but I cannot force someone to love me, so I bitterly accept my singleton status. Ever slightly envious of people who recollect their past relationships and of how they go from one relationship to another, were as I cannot even find a date to begin with.
My struggles as a singleton carries on... I hate it but there’s nothing I can do about it... I’ve tried and tried and tried... I’ve followed the advice of many people “go out and meet people” (rejected, but am friends with them). Then after that haul of failures, my advisors changed their bullshit advice to “Don’t expect love. That’s when love finds you”. Well I’m waiting... in vain.
For now, all I have to on with is the hope that someone somewhere someday will see me and not reject me.
Yours truly
Mr. Lovelace...
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