My new muse

I was sitting in the lounge watching Gordon Ramsey cooking and was contemplating whether or not I should do my homework or sit and write a new blog J guess which one won... Yeah yeah I know, I should iron out my priorities, but I’m just getting my creative juices going... I can’t run on an uninspired brain you know!!!

And that is where my blog thought of the day comes in... I didn’t notice till today that I haven’t written anything great for the past month and a half... Some of the blog posts I’ve made, like “I’m lonely not alone” are stuff I wrote months ago, but felt it was the wrong time to post them... and I have to admit, the recap blog of mine, was terrible... ouch, even a reader complained in the comment section... and let’s not even touch the poetry side... Urgh it’s totally horrible...

So I came to the conclusion that I’ve run out of muse juice and I figured out how to get more of it!!!

I need to fall in love with someone... Fast... or at least get really depressed... For some reason, many writers, not just me, write better with a negative thought pattern... Is that why Sylvia Plath committed suicide??? (mental note to self: don’t commit suicide even to achieve greatness like Sylvia Plath)... Forced depression to write better... hmmm I think I might be on to something here... sort of like Munchausen’s...

Anyhoo... I realised I wrote better when I was having unrequited love affairs with people... I got over “the View” about three months ago and ran out of muse juice about a month and half ago, so I’d say, it takes about a month and a half to completely lose all muse power after the break-up... 

Well back to the headline... I think I found a new muse... He’s our IT go-to-guy at HELL AKA Cape Peninsula University of Technology... Let’s call him “E”, hahaha or rather sex-E (you know “sexy” because he’s you know sexy... fine I’ll let you decide what you want me to call him... just add a comment below. Your choices are “E” or “sex-E”)

Like I said, he is very good looking, a little absent minded, but we’ve only been introduced last week... don’t worry guys, I won’t stalk him... ok maybe I’ll invite him on facebook and twitter and BBM (when I get a BB)... That is so not stalking OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t judge me!!! Oh and he is straight... bummer... typical me... I was told the media industry that queers roamed the offices... let me tell you something... Lesbians roam the offices, not gay men... there were only four out gays (men) on the floor I worked on... one of them left and the others still works there... (oh and I didn’t include myself) but, get this... all of them are way too old for me... two of them are like 40+ and only the one is single... Fuck me swinging... but on the fourth floor, TONS of gays, but ZERO are interested in me... (read this part as fast you can... I was typing so fast I felt a mental/emotional breakdown coming...) WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?!?!? I’ll tell you why because they are fairly decent looking, and came out of long term relationships with their very good looking ex-boyfriends and now they are running around with their good looks and awesome personalities, flaunting their “I’m happy being single” statuses, while people like me are secretly falling in suicidal love for these oblivious people and when we finally take a chance and go up to that person and ask them out for coffee or dinner or a movie, they blow us off with the “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now, but it’d be cool to be friends” line and then two days later they are in a relationship with another good looking guy with abs of steel and a smile that can melt cheese... and this guy will most likely break his heart in a year or so, by cheating on him with another guy, with porn star good looks and fabulous dress code, instead of saying “Yes, I’ll have coffee with you” to the slightly pudgy, awkwardly dressed, shy, perfect boyfriend material a year ago... a guy who will treasure his boyfriend like the all the art pieces in the Louvre, all the pizza recipes in Italy and will have more love for him than the fucking Christian society for fuck sake!!! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, looks trumps everything!!! And don’t even get me fuckin’ started with guys who ask you out on a date and then decide to not show up... I think I should just dig a massive hole, throw in some wood, set the wood on fire and jump into the fire... I’m pretty fuckin’ sure it’s less painful than rejection...

Mr love lace out...

I am lonely not alone

A good friend of mine once told me “No Kyle you are not alone, just lonely...”

Typical me, I never believed her... 

But it was very true... I am lonely... I feel loneliness, but I share that loneliness with other people who are also lonely... 

Quite depressing I know, but there is a silver lining –Sergeant Pepper‘s lonely hearts club band is an AWESOME Beatles song!!!

Ok that wasn’t the point I wanted to make, the point is, no matter how alone we feel there are always people you can go to, turn to, speak to, hug, cry with and laugh with. It can be a friend of a friend whom you’ve come to know and love, it could be a neighbour, a smart bartender, your local comedic prostitute, a police officer, a counsellor, co-worker, etc the list goes on...

Loneliness is universal, it’s like a pain, EVERYONE has experienced it! Love, not everyone has experienced it, but pain, pain is a whole other ballgame everyone is very accustomed to. The levels of pain may differ, but it’s the one thing everyone has in common...

The same with pain, everyone at some point in their lives has felt lonely... a child, teen, adult, senior... loneliness is like a disease, it can’t be spread around, but it doesn’t discriminate...

I used to think that in my own home, ok technically my Mom and Dad’s house, I was alone. I wasn’t alone, I was just lonely... 

Like many young in the closet gays out there, I was too afraid to come out to my parents... Honestly I still haven’t come out to them... I never planned on coming out, and I don’t plan to either... the second I come out to my parents is the day I send out my wedding Invitations...

So far my mother knows about my orientation, not by me telling her, but by her snooping... Her reason for snooping was that Jesus was working through her, telling her to invade my privacy etc etc...

After that is a long story, right now, she refuses to accept my orientation and I refuse to bring it up in conversation... What she does do, when I’m in the presence of guests, she does tell everyone that I’m going to marry a Japanese women and give her “happy Jappie children” her words not mine... I’m quite obsessed with Japan and I do plan on moving there in the future, hence the Japanese wife part...

So far I’ve only come out to one relative, one of my most beloved cousins... He is my hero in many ways, he’s also a mega dork in more ways than a hero... But he is my best ally in the constant war that is my family... Having a father who has 9 siblings means there’s bound to some bitchin’ going on at some point... actually, always...

The first people I ever came out to were my college buddies, I consider them to be my closest and most trusted friends. It was through telling them, I had enough courage to get out of the closet to just about everyone outside my family... this is no secret, I don’t act any different in front of my friends than I do with my family, I just choose to not tell them, and they also choose to not ask me...

So what I know is that even though I feel lonely at home, or when I feel lonely at night in a bed alone, I know that when the sun rises and I return to work, I am no longer lonely, I have a support system, I have friends, I have books to dive into, games to finish, music to escape to, movies to dull my senses to and best of all I have my imagination... In my world, I can be anyone I want to be and most of the time, I don’t have a lover in my fantasies... if I do, I know the fantasy won’t last that long... I prefer having super powers or being a kick ass gunslinger saving the world from zombies  than baking a chocolate soufflé for a faceless boyfriend who will love me and have sex with me and will be intimate with me and will marry me and adopt children with me and will grow old with me... wow that’s a lot of “ands”...  

Anyway, I’m cool with being lonely... I’m finally accepting, it’s ok to be single, it’s ok to feel lonely, it’s human, It’s instinct, it’s life...

Lovelace out...

One week one blog

Hey all!!! It’s been FOR-FREAKING-EVER since I last blogged... ok ok I’ve gone longer... BUT! Yes, there is a but, I have had zero to naught access to the net... so no facebook, no twitter, no blogs, no Crazeebee, no JP, no 20somethinggal, no Health24, no ANYTHING!!! 

I was totally social media deprived... it should be considered a form of torture... totally brutal...

Quite a bit has happened in the last week or so since I’ve been on leave... yip you read right! Nine days of vacation... BLISS I TELL YOU BLISS!!!

My official last day at work was the week before last‘s Friday i.e. the 9^th of July for the chronologically challenged... So I had my goodbyes... had to hide a few tears... and I was sad to leave, although I know my return will happen lol – did I just “lol”???- I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch but I have a pretty good chance of going back even if only for three months... I can do a hell of a lot in three months...

The bus trip home was a humorous but uneventful one and my holiday didn’t exactly start off with a bang (more like a fizzle) but I had a chance to recover albeit for only three days(with the rest of my family FFS)...

I pretty much spent those three uneventful days eating, sleeping, bathroom, tv, pc, reading magz and books (no not mills and boon, although I am culprit) – oh I finally finished half my books, TG- the eventfulness began Tuesday (13 July) at 8am... I was still asleep and my dearest sister *Stacey* wakes me up because she had  crotch pains... CROTCH PAINS MY ASS!!! SHE WAS IN LABOUR!!! 

Yip yip, Stacey was about to give birth... so off we go to the hospital at 8 in the morning, Stacey is in pain, I’m comforting her, Baby Daddy – I have to be nice to him now so I can’t call him by his previous nickname...- was giving my granddad directions to the hospital (he was the alternative driver seeing as my dad was at work already) and a 10 year old Ms Saddam-Stalin-Hitler-Idi Amien reincarnation, whom I call cousin, was lusting over Justin Bieber... again... 

We arrive after 8:30 and Stacey and Baby Daddy go into the hospital; Granddad, Ms mini Saddam-Stalin-Hitler-Idi Amien and I had stay behind due to hospital policy... Ba-humbug

Anyways I’ll save you the gory details... Stacey gave birth to an adorable baby girl at 15:05. Considering how small my sister was carrying, I was expecting a smaller baby, but she weighed in at a good solid 3.1kG. Cute face, thin lips, pretty smile and dark hair... tiny fingers with shiny nails... very girly like... BTW I’m not just saying she is cute because she is my niece, she really is adorable... I want to put up a picture, but I’m far to paranoid of predators, not that my followers are predators, but freakshows do live out there and I want to protect my niece as best I can till she flies the nest like I’m going to, in a year or so...

So basically the rest of my holiday – or shall I call it mini-break like Bridget Jones – was all about the baby... cleaning the house, cooking, baking, making pancakes, entertaining unexpected relatives who never bothered to attend her baby shower and spending time with my beautiful niece J Time well spent...

Now I’m back at Varsity or as I like to call it Dante’s Infero... I swear this pace is like taking a laxative and an enema – it’s painful and unnecessary...

Mr Love lace out...

It's official, I'm beginning to crack...

Yesterday was the fastest/longest day I've ever had...

Actually this whole week has been the fastest/longest week I've ever had...

Yesterday I had to take the last bus to Richwood, which is very seldom, because I never finish work at 16:45... But that day was an exception... (In case you were wondering, my internship did end, but I was asked to remain for an extra week and train the new interns, which I gladly accepted)

I sat on that bus for about 30 minutes looking like someone who was tired and I was... I was really fuggin tired... But it wasn't really the tiredness, it was me holding back from bursting out into stressed-out tears...

Zits started to break out on Tuesday, my psoriasis is making its return, rings under my eyes, shaky hands, agitation, irritation, mood swings, complete body shut down... I am exhausted... I feel like a car that has been forced to run on nothing but air... I need a break... and I'm only getting one next week... seems close right? yeah well, today and tomorrow are going to really test whatever endurance and strength I have left...

Let me give you a general idea of my schedule:

Wake up every morning at 5:30am sometimes 5am... catch the 6am bus to Town, arrive at Town at 7am... work till 16:20pm... Take the 16:30pm bus home and arrive home at about 17:15pm... occasionally cook and clean... now that has been my schedule for the last year... I've only take seven days leave in total... five days holiday in February and two days leave in April, when my gran passed away... other than, and the weekends and public holiday of course, I've worked every single day of the week... For some people that might not be so bad, but I also am so busy, that I have to take my work home with me and finish it there...

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful to have had my job and to be part of a great company and to get paid -even though it was peanuts no really, even some of the other editors can't believe we get paid so little- and I know, that there are many people out there, who have it more difficult than me, but I have really worked my ass off, from day one to impress and to showcase my ability to be a fantastic employee, occasionally doing three people's work at one time, but now, I am drained...

And its not just work that's gotten me so stressed out... I never get as stressed out as I am right now, writing this blog... I'm sitting here, feeling the exact way I felt on the bus yesterday... I also realised, that I am lonely, ok well I never realised it, I've always known, but I never realised just how much being lonely or ignoring the fact that I was lonely has contributed to all the stress I'm under... I'm not saying, that being in a relationship will reduce stress, because I know people in stressful relationships, but being single forever is really taking its toll on me...


Then there's the family stress... I know, I know, everyone has family stress, I'm not saying that mine is more, I'm just saying, all the family bullshit and drama is beginning to get too much for me... My parents are friends with me on facebook, so now I've lost facebook as a place for me to vent... and ever since my parents got blackberries, they are scratching in places that's starting to egg me in certain places... I have to be careful of what I tweet, when I tweet and how often I tweet... seeing as my mom and dad CONSTANTLY google me... I'm under the eagle eye again, being watched and monitored by my parents, I feel like there's a camera following me everywhere... they keep asking me everytime I leave the house: "where you going? who you going to? Who's this Denzil person on facebook? Who's this Ruben person on facebook? Why is he/she posting this on your facebook? Why did you join this group? Stop putting that horoscope stuff on your wall! I don't like that status take it off. Then when I remove them as a friend on facebook, all hell breaks loose... Why did you unfriend me on facebook? What are you hiding? Tell me know Kyle! Is there something I should know?... and when they aren't bothering the fuck out of me with facebook, they are bothering me with there blackberries... asking me to put this and that on for them... I DONT EVEN HAVE A FUCKING BLACKBERRY!!! I'm still rocking the old LG chatterbox for fuck sake...

So when my parents aren't scrutinising my already dim social life, they scratch in my room... and when they are not invading my privacy, they are invading my sisters privacy... which is linked to me, because she then talks to me about it...

My sister, is turning 20 tomorrow and a month later she will be a mother... I know, this fact shouldn't really stress me out so much, but it does and here is why... Lets call my sister *Stacey* and her baby daddy *fuckface*... fuckface has been living at our house pro-bono since last year October ever since his mother's bf kick his own bucket... they were homeless, the mother went to live with friends and left good-for-nothing lazy fuckface to fend for himself... (I happen to know him, ergo I can call him that, because its the truth) so he asked my sister, who broke up with him a month prior to the bucket kicking because he cheated on her with a 16 year old chickie from Bothasig, so he asked her if he could stay at our house, because we have a spare bedroom... NEVER HAVING ASKED MY PARENTS, he plonked himself at our house in the early hours of the morning...long story short my mother felt sorry for him (even though she didn't like him) and let him stay for a bit... well a bit turned into a month, then a few months and now its almost a year. Both of them are unemployed and my sister is the only one who is trying her best to get a job... Fuckface is still just wasting time... so its officially up to myself, my dad and my mom to support Stacey and fuckface's child... But I know that my parents can't afford to look after another person especially a baby... so I need to get a job and help out as much as I can... Its not my responsibility, but the two parents to be aren't taking any... So I've been trying real hard to get a job, take some responsibility and look support my niecephew...

Then I'm going back to hell... otherwise known as CPUT... Then my travel time is upped twofold from 2 hours to 4... every day... and when I go back, I won't have an income, so I'm going to go back to my old part-time job at Mr Video and work on weekends again... God help me...

So in summary stress from peeps, work, lack of a job after I'm done with job, getting a new "job", baby on the way, college, lack of sleep, improper eating times, irregular schedule and single status are all adding up to my inevitable mental breakdown...

Sorry for venting, but I have nowhere else to turn to...

Mr Lovelace out...

I need a boyfriend I can lean on

Ok first of all, I meant that in the most literal sense you can think of... I literally need a boyfriend > fiance > husband I can lean on physically... No no no, not in a sexual way... ok yes, also in a sexual way, no not in that sexual way, I'm a bottom not a top... (note to me: make more sense when writing...) ANYWAY what I'm trying to say is (urgh) -now how do I put this in words...

I like to lean on things... No, I'm not lazy to stand, I just like to lean on things... well when I'm standing, not sitting... I lean on chairs, which drives 20something gal CRAZY!!! (oh and I am friends with her BTW :) cool gal, follow her ;) ) I lean on tables, walls, cars, my friends, the fridge, etc, I am a leaner...

So today when 20 and I went to go get lunch, we waited an ass long time in line waiting for our order... Okay random fact I should have mentioned in the blog earlier, I can't stand still, not for one second, which is why I like to lean, I stand still and stop fidgeting when I am leaning on something... So while we are waiting, I'm pacing up and down and fidgeting... I have little to ZERO patience... and I am looking for a place where I can lean comfortably... no luck and the person I can lean on comfortably is 20something gal. One problem, she can definitely not support my body...

So while waiting in that long ass line, I realised that I need a boyfriend > fiance > husband who I can lean on, to keep me from pacing up and down and fidgeting... Maybe I should go to Scandinavia and find me a Nordic lover I can lean on... -lust filled grin-

Mr Lovelace out...