I am lonely not alone

A good friend of mine once told me “No Kyle you are not alone, just lonely...”

Typical me, I never believed her... 

But it was very true... I am lonely... I feel loneliness, but I share that loneliness with other people who are also lonely... 

Quite depressing I know, but there is a silver lining –Sergeant Pepper‘s lonely hearts club band is an AWESOME Beatles song!!!

Ok that wasn’t the point I wanted to make, the point is, no matter how alone we feel there are always people you can go to, turn to, speak to, hug, cry with and laugh with. It can be a friend of a friend whom you’ve come to know and love, it could be a neighbour, a smart bartender, your local comedic prostitute, a police officer, a counsellor, co-worker, etc the list goes on...

Loneliness is universal, it’s like a pain, EVERYONE has experienced it! Love, not everyone has experienced it, but pain, pain is a whole other ballgame everyone is very accustomed to. The levels of pain may differ, but it’s the one thing everyone has in common...

The same with pain, everyone at some point in their lives has felt lonely... a child, teen, adult, senior... loneliness is like a disease, it can’t be spread around, but it doesn’t discriminate...

I used to think that in my own home, ok technically my Mom and Dad’s house, I was alone. I wasn’t alone, I was just lonely... 

Like many young in the closet gays out there, I was too afraid to come out to my parents... Honestly I still haven’t come out to them... I never planned on coming out, and I don’t plan to either... the second I come out to my parents is the day I send out my wedding Invitations...

So far my mother knows about my orientation, not by me telling her, but by her snooping... Her reason for snooping was that Jesus was working through her, telling her to invade my privacy etc etc...

After that is a long story, right now, she refuses to accept my orientation and I refuse to bring it up in conversation... What she does do, when I’m in the presence of guests, she does tell everyone that I’m going to marry a Japanese women and give her “happy Jappie children” her words not mine... I’m quite obsessed with Japan and I do plan on moving there in the future, hence the Japanese wife part...

So far I’ve only come out to one relative, one of my most beloved cousins... He is my hero in many ways, he’s also a mega dork in more ways than a hero... But he is my best ally in the constant war that is my family... Having a father who has 9 siblings means there’s bound to some bitchin’ going on at some point... actually, always...

The first people I ever came out to were my college buddies, I consider them to be my closest and most trusted friends. It was through telling them, I had enough courage to get out of the closet to just about everyone outside my family... this is no secret, I don’t act any different in front of my friends than I do with my family, I just choose to not tell them, and they also choose to not ask me...

So what I know is that even though I feel lonely at home, or when I feel lonely at night in a bed alone, I know that when the sun rises and I return to work, I am no longer lonely, I have a support system, I have friends, I have books to dive into, games to finish, music to escape to, movies to dull my senses to and best of all I have my imagination... In my world, I can be anyone I want to be and most of the time, I don’t have a lover in my fantasies... if I do, I know the fantasy won’t last that long... I prefer having super powers or being a kick ass gunslinger saving the world from zombies  than baking a chocolate soufflé for a faceless boyfriend who will love me and have sex with me and will be intimate with me and will marry me and adopt children with me and will grow old with me... wow that’s a lot of “ands”...  

Anyway, I’m cool with being lonely... I’m finally accepting, it’s ok to be single, it’s ok to feel lonely, it’s human, It’s instinct, it’s life...

Lovelace out...